FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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