I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
