then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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