You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
