It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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