I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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