he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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