He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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