I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
