I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Pooping to opera.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
