No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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