If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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