I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize