Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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