How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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