He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
