Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
