not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i out mim tonsoeep
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize