I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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