apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
