I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
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