Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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