sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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