She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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