$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
