first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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