eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
