I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
