He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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