They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
