Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize