Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
