I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
