My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
