It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she told me i tasted like america
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
