She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize