I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize