I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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