I cannot find my penis.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
zippers are such a cool invention
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
