just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize