i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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