Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
