did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
