I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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