can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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