Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
