Just took my morning after pill in the library
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
