dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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