the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
