Who wears a wallet chain?!
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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