I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
