I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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