i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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