Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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