I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize