I smell stomach acid.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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