The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
