When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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