Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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