He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
