I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
