Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
